I love Chinese food. I would eat it almost every day if I had unlimited funds and it didn’t effect my waistline. I literally crave Chinese food daily. I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I love Chinese food and about my level of self-control and will power lately. You see I am trying to diet, and my Chinese food habit is not helping. Yes, I’m going to talk about food and weight loss, and all that diet crap. It’s a sensitive subject for a lot of us, so read with caution and tread lightly in the comments.
Here’s the deal, I went on a post-Christmas diet last year, and was totally kicking butt in the beginning of 2012. I was exercising, eating really well, and I saw some fantastic results. I lost 15 lbs. and was in a groove until my grandmother got seriously ill at the very beginning of March. She spent two weeks in the hospital, was moved to hospice, and passed toward the end of the month, a couple weeks before Easter. I tried to hang on to my healthy eating habits, but I couldn’t. I was spending so much time at the hospital/hospice, that I had to eat out for a lot of meals and didn’t have a chance to exercise. My grandmother was the most important person in my life, with the possible exception of my husband. It was like losing a mother. I completely shut down, and I couldn’t be bothered with healthy eating or working out. I gave myself permission to indulge. I was so depressed and miserable that I was willing to do anything that made me feel a little better, even if just for a few minutes. I didn’t gain all of the weight back, but I did gain back most of it. I tell you all of this so that you have a frame of reference for where I am at mentally.
Over the last few months I’ve been wanting to start my diet again, but I just can’t seem to get in the groove. I’ve yo-yoed within the same five pound range since late June because I keep staring and stopping. I keep telling myself that it’s time to get healthy, and I do want that, but I can’t seem to get my ass in gear. I keep coming up with excuses, like it being my birthday, or it being too hot to exercise. And I keep caving and ordering Chinese food burgers instead of eating healthy. I am so frustrated by my lack of will power. Every week I am determined to start anew. I do well for the first few days, but by the end of the week it’s French fries or sesame chicken and to hell with it. I realize that I am still grieving and mildly depressed, so it makes sense that I am not as gung-ho as I was before. And truth be told, I was a little obsessed at the beginning of the year, which is it’s own kind if unhealthy. But I am determined to turn this around.
I have lived many self-indulgent years and have paid the consequences. As I’ve aged, learned, and grown I have become a strong believer in personal responsibility and self-control. I have made a lot of changes in my life, and my health is something that I want to take control of. No one can do it for me, and I need to move through the pain of the present to reach my goals. I need to stop making excuses. I need to stop eating Chinese food (at least not so frequently).
I’m writing all of this out as a reminder to myself that I am done being weak. I am tired of disappointing myself and letting myself down. I need a sassy gay friend to yell at me “Look at your life, look at your choices!” I hope that when I’m feeling weak or discouraged in the future, this post can provide me the kick in that pants I need to get moving. It’s time to get strong and healthy, so let it be written, so let it be done.